Fashionably late again. I shouldn’t even be starting my posts with something like this, but it happened too many times during this challenge, so why not address it?

I might have ADHD

So, because I haven’t been very consistent with this challenge, let’s cut deep and start with a very interesting personal topic. For many months now, I’m starting to suspect that I might have ADHD. I’m very aware that plenty of people on social media made this a “trend,” and now everybody has ADHD or some other form of attention deficit or mental illness in general. Here are my reasons why I do believe that I might have ADHD:

No sense of satisfaction

If it’s not rewarding enough, I’m either postponing it or I’m not doing it at all. That just sounds like laziness, you might say, and that is what I’ve been telling myself for many years now. “Alex, why are you like this? Why can’t you just do the fucking dishes?”; “Alex, why are you always doing things at the last minute?”; “Alex, why can’t you just do it now instead of later? You have so much time to do it.”.

Chasing the dopamine

People who know me personally know that I’m always trying something new. I try new hobbies, new software, new skills, and such. The amount of time I spent trying out different software for my personal knowledge base was unhealthy. I had to rebuild my note-taking system at least four times because I always wanted to try some new and “revolutionary” method of note-taking or software. I always feel so happy when I find my new, and often temporary, dopamine fix. Often times, I just unknowingly complicate my life for the sake of doing something new or difficult that my brain rewards. You could say that I like problem-solving, but it has to be the “right” kind of problem-solving, haha. Math, for example, wasn’t and won’t ever be my favorite thing to do, simply because I lack meaning and reward in solving useless and unreal problems. One of the reasons I like using Linux is because sometimes things break. Not regularly or by itself, but mostly because I decide to tinker with something in the system. Ah! The graphical driver isn’t working properly. Why? Oh, I recently installed this program and added something to the i3 config. This is an issue that I find worthy of solving because it has some real impact on my life, i.e., my system is working properly again. I am not solving for x because my teacher told me to do so. I get that math is supposed to teach you logical thinking, but beyond 6th grade, I don’t believe that memorizing formulas for specific non-real exercises is worth my time.

Prediction ability

One of my few pet peeves is small talk. It feels so uncomfortable—not in an awkward but painful way. I’m superb at dialog and plot prediction, which is why I cannot enjoy many movies or TV shows. I just guess the plot of a movie in the first 10 minutes, and the experience is ruined for me. Although I managed to cope with this, there are still certain genres that I can’t enjoy because of it.

Treatment? No, thank you

I don’t think that being dependent on pills to work “normally” is the solution. Basically, every medication has some negative side effects. Those may not be immediate, but they can show when you get older. I won’t forget when I was at a dermatologist, and she suggested I take some drug for my acne that was very likely to sterilize me in the process. Funny these doctors sometimes, am I right? This doesn’t mean I’m not trying to cope with it. I use every life hack I can to force myself to do the things I don’t want to do. One that works flawlessly for physical tasks is music. I listen to fast-paced music, and it just gets me on my feet. I might develop an adrenaline dependency by doing this, but that’s for the future me to deal with, haha.

Songs I loved this week

• MilleniumKid x JBS – Vielleicht [Schleini Hardtekk Edit] — Schleini
• Relax, Take It Easy — MIKA
• Life Letters — Never Get Used To People
• I Like the Way You Kiss Me — KOSKA