Hunter's brain

I’ve always felt like my brain runs on a different architecture. This is a raw, honest look at how I navigate work, chaos, and the slow realization that I might have to build a path no one’s paved for me.

Orion

Jul 28, 2025 — 3 min read

I've been suspecting neurodivergence in myself for some time now. My brain is very different to that of my peers or people in general I've met. It feels like running Linux in the world of macOS. Many of the core components and libraries are the same, but everything else is entirely different. The way you install packages (learn new information), the way you communicate with other devices (perceive and feel emotions). My brain doesn't just run differently, it's built differently.

It's like comparing an x86_64 to an ARM chip. We might run the same code, but under the hood the instructions, timing, and energy are all handled in their own unique ways. Sometimes you need to add compatibility layers to make things work. Other times, no matter how good the software is optimized, there's just no native support for certain features or tasks. It's an architectural mismatch, not a dysfunction.

I breathe for chaos, stay calm under pressure, but suffer in mundane routines. I'm well aware that jobs where I would thrive exist. Well, thrive is maybe not the right word since I would be swimming in adrenaline, cortisol, unhealthy amounts of dopamine and often pure dread. Jobs like being a paramedic, high-stakes professional athlete, race car driver, mercenary, or just plain ol' simple power line worker.

Most jobs just suck for people like me. I can't sit still for 8 hours and be productive the whole time. What I love about my current job is that I get to go outside and move a lot. I spend most of my time in a chair, yes, but I get to go downstairs to the lobby to pickup packages for our customers, I get to sometimes buy my manager lunch from a nearby Chinese restaurant, I often get to go out about 20-30 minutes after lunch and buy myself and my coworkers some snacks from a nearby supermarket. I really like that I can just f-off a few times a day when I'm feeling overstimulated or understimulated.

What’s unfortunate is that I know this setup is painfully rare. I've been fortunate enough to find a workplace where this isn't a problem, but rather appreciated. To be brutally honest, this small, but meaningful perk and OKAY collective of people in the office makes it really difficult for me to pursue a better paying job. I essentially work for a minimum wage + a few thousand schmeckles extra. I'm not asking for much... just let me have something like a smoke break every 2 hours. Even 5-10 minutes outside on fresh air would help me reset and charge my batteries a little.

Today was a perfect example of that. I stayed the whole weekend indoors with little to no movement around the house. Afternoon came, and I genuinely started to lose my marbles. This uncanny sense of dread, anxiety and a bit of anger started to mix within me. Once again, I started to feel hopeless and all sorts of other negative emotions. This time, though, I recognized it just in time and said to myself, "fuck this, I'm grabbing a coffee". I grabbed my phone, wallet, backpack and the book Atomic Habits and went on my merry way. And good fucking decision it was. Total emotional wipe and system reboot. I was feeling like myself again, and not just because I caffeinated my feelings away. It was because I regained control over my mind and body.

A very sensible, but scary thought has been lingering in the back of my mind lately. I'm afraid becoming either an entrepreneur or a freelancer is unavoidable. That is, if I want to elevate both my financial and mental situation. My current job works, and I'm eternally grateful for having such a compatible-ish environment as my first job. Still, it isn't ideal for me. I'm not hunting, I'm gathering, and it's soul-sucking.

Don't get me wrong. Working for yourself has its own set of challenges. Especially when you don't set clear boundaries with yourself and accidentally build the perfect environment for your own dysfunction to thrive.

The world wasn't built for folks like me, so I have to blaze my own path to success.